just finished 12 hour marathon in front of computer. was it worth it? no. killed a lot of time though. and did manage to finish two projects that have been hanging around.

i find i am getting very interested in doing nothing but with a clear head, not zombieville, just "easy does it".

"easy do" as bill burroughs said.

a front porch would be nice. staring at a wall, laying in the grass, whatever. this feverish frenzy has got to go, creative or not. somewhere bouncing around in the gridlock in my head there is a dim memory of long endless summers, copper colored air around me, inside a green glow, lost in the kadzoo. what happened? where'd it go? and who was that child anyway?

the worst i've felt in a loooong time. nothing specific. like i'm drugged - slow motion - zero energy. very short periods when i feel sort of alive. must be coming down with a case of terminal terror, ancient angst, solitary ambiguity. once in awhile i sleep. most of the time i stumble around in a fuzzy daze.

why am i telling you this? cause i've got nothing to say. i've seen two doctors this week and they didn't have much to say either.

found on a piece of paper in the living room:

squeeked through again
but i don't know where i'm going
up on the mountain top
where the wind was blowing
i left a beat up chevy
way out in the park
walked through an icestorm
man it was real dark
when i got back to town
it almost wasn't there
but neither was i
so i almost didn't care
the children were roaming
up and down the street
i sat there in a stupor
it all smelled like meat

see what i mean?

What Have We Here

took an hour's walk last evening, if the weather would stay like it is now (like aville was 30 years ago in the summer) i might get healthy.

as it is i got up at 5, tested my blood sugar in preperation for nice cool walk, and it was 450 plus. infusion set had torn out during a very restless and sleepless night.

so i redid the whole do and spent the next hour or less on the phone long-distance to jeff who fed me corrections to book i am typesetting for him. exercise of any sort is contra-indicated when blood glucose is over 200-250.

it will be a long slow day, blood sugar dropping bit by bit. then i can eat breakfast. i'll spend the day trying to make sense of ken wilber graphics i am doing.

a pretty damn bad week - so far:

maybe something to do with what mr. eliot was talking about in "four quartets":

"a condition of complete simplicity costing not less than everything."

a mantra of my youth was

"if it's not one thing it's another."

now i think it's

"if it's not one thing it's everything."

this is along the lines of the rule:

1 + 1 = 2 + 1

damien aycock, son of travis and ludie, had a car wreck coming home from work friday night and is in intensive care at UNC hospital. neckl and skull fractures. his spinal cord seems to be all right. the way a break like he has is usually treated is a box like affair around the neck attached by screws to the skull to prevent head movement, but the skull is fractured and not stable. hospital team meets today for treatment plan. basically he is very lucky, no nerve damage. get well damien.

meanwhile james in oak ridge is failing fast. i saw him wed and thursday and am so glad i made the effort.. we have some sort of very unusual karmic connection i think. pancreatic and liver cancer.

[later] james passed away at 7 am this morning.

could be one of these....

or...
maybe not

or



or

Lily by the Footbridge

the weather here has been so beautiful. a long cool wet foggy misty spring, cool air blowing through the window at night. this is western carolina as i remember it from 30 years ago.

made it to friends meeting today and re-met the father of an old friend of mine, same 30 years ago as above.

it looks like aug 2 - august 23 i will be in arizona.

i talked to dave, jame's brother today on the telephone. after consultation with oncologist last week decision was not a good candidate fo chemo. he enters hospice program, ie no medical treatment except pallitive on monday. i'm hoping to drive to oak ridge wednesday to say good bye, return the next day.

been feeling good the last few days; abunch of stuff i was doing i finished and now i'm doing another bunch.

visited ira nd goats and dogs yesterday. oscar seemed to like my (chinese) fiddle playing. looked at large format "100 flowers" by o'keefe, inspiring and discouraging at the same time.

cleaned art factory, found surprises etc.

just took a pleasant walk - the skies are cloudy and overcast - with richard.

"When I asked to speak to a lawyer, the INS official informed me that I do have the right to a lawyer but I would have to be brought down to the station and await security clearance before being granted one. When I asked how long that would take, he replied with a coy smile: "Maybe a day, maybe a week, maybe a month."

We insisted that we had every right to leave and were going to do so. One of the policemen walked over with his hand on his gun and taunted: "Go ahead and leave, just go ahead."

from
AlterNet: Patriot Raid

click here to download a copy of collected lyrics and pictures by yours truly in the form of a pdf ebook.

"State and commercial institutions
have assumed some of the functions
of the public sphere, and political
institutions, such as parties, have
assumed advocacy roles in support of
their patrons.

.... this transformation has led to a
refeudalization of the public sphere.
Large and powerful organizations
such as corporations, labor unions,
political parties, professional groups
and interest groups bargain with the
state and one another -- often out of
sight or mind of the public -- to
allocate resoureces, opportunities,
and patronage.

These institutions still seek public
support and the marks of legitimacy,
but they do this through the exercise
of publicity or public relations, not
necessarily through contributions to
rich public discourse."

Siva Vaidhanathan paraphrasing Jurgen Habermas.
from
BookBlog

had an early breakfast with barbara and winnie. then barbara took oof into bookville. she's got another book going.

woke up this morning clear-headed and squirrly. the first day in a long time with no self-imposed or otherwise "must-do-NOW"s. then i noticed french easel had callapsed during the night. not to bad, but patches of thalo blue oil color on the astroturf. worked on it for a while using differant substances. some how i dislodged insulin cannala without knowing it. started feeling bad and when i finally discoved problem, blood sugar was 489. took it very easy allday bringing it back down.

had to present at wilber meeting, really brought out my ADD.
meanwhile check this out:

"May 21, 2003 - A White House Fluent In Language Of Fanatics. I've been racking my brain, trying to reconcile the ever-widening chasm between what the White House claims to be true and what is actually true. After all, we know the president and his men are not stupid. And despite the tidal wave of misinformation pouring out of their mouths, I don't believe they are consciously lying.

"The best explanation I can come up with for the growing gap between their rhetoric and reality is that we are being governed by a gang of out and out fanatics."

from
www.ariannaonline.com

feeling nutty. ragged. blown away. so i took some time out and did this. i feel about the same but maybe i can sleep now.

had a pleasant outing sunday to a potluck at tom and erin's. nice singing by a group of six ladies. harmony. it's great.

the gathering was in a beautiful setting, reminded me of some of the places i've lived in the past. it could have been the rural 40's.

proto-alzheimer's does not permit me to tell you the name of the singing group at the moment.

speaking of the mind, this sliding IQ thing is getting out of hand. i have been working on some kind of visual representation of ken wilber's thought, and i made every mistake in the book, definitely took the long way around the mulberry bush several times. and didn't know it. maybe i need to watch more TV.

yesterday was one of those flat blank days. i did get a lot done on wilber project, but it was drudgery. little oil painting, still don't know what i'm doing with this.

so my question is the universal eternal one, why these black moods and days? can't be mercury in retrograde because it's always in retrograde. i don't think it's contrails in the sky because i've been hiding under the bed. maybe i was born under a bad quasar. or it could be that my aura slipped and is cock-eyed. perhaps a stray muon or two tarnished my cellular DNA. could be i was bad in a former life. or good.

it is possible this old painting i found explains things, but i don't think so:

nothing much to say today. yesterday was a blur. worked all day with ken wilber content, text. haven't spent a day like that since school or workplace. my understanding did increase though, so maybe i should do it more often. usually i just let osmosis do the work. but quite often it leaks.

found one of my first watercolors: here it is:

installing software today. dizzy. gotta turn computer off. but i am finding old images like this one:

moday monday. spent all day transcribing ken wilber notes for mega-pixalated animated song-and-dance series of charts. really hit it hard, flashes of my past buried in some cubical, fingers barely working, a thousand thoughts fighting for primacy in my addled mind. anyway i should be finished inputting text tomorrw - words like "holarchic fulcrum 3 subphase-2 centauric vision-logic pathology".

but i went grocery shopping also, a major accomplishment these days. last few hours i've been tuning er-hu, someone with an ear could probably do it in two minutes.

meanwhile for your delight and delectation, i pulled this out of the "what do i do with this thing now?" heap. started out ages ago as a charcoal drawing: