Saturday, May 29, 2004


In phoenix. Cool spell - very hot. Driving south from Prescott this morning endless gridlock headed north on hwy 17. I've said it before: I will not live in a city ever again. That part of my life is over.

watched TV coverage of WWW memorial dedication. Guess it will give bush a bump in polls.

saying for today:

"...Let there be spaces in your togetherness,
and let the winds of heaven dance between you.

love one another, but make not a bond of love:
let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls."

K. Gibran

Friday, May 28, 2004


leaving for phoenix in am with sister jane. prescott has been most restful, caught up with sleep.

about the (s)news:

if we had attacked mexico after pearl harbor,and if they had played us for suckers, and if our political establishment scooted from photo op to photo op convinced that God had elected them, the USA would have been about where it is today.

except i don't think the public would have put up with it.

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Sister Jane arrived today with great salad for lunch. Just took meandering walk down dry willow creek. Very hot but beautiful breeze blowing. About finished with diamond approach.It's a little like a scattered travelogue. Some very interesting pieces and places. Like:

"by now, we are beginning to see which of the different qualities of Essence are generally related to which kind of issues from one's past. These relations between the Essential state, the "hole" or specific sense of emptiness which resulted from the loss of that state, and the emotions and beliefs we create to fill those holes,and finally the conflicts in our lives which arise from the resulting false personality, are all understood."

I picked the above paragraph at random. The weird thing is that it makes as much sense as windoze help files, I mean more sense.

do you dig holes? Or fill them.

it's 5 pm, i'm going to have a glass of wine and go outside and listen to the birds.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Still in Prescott AZ. Very quiet release for me from the self-inflicted eccentric projects at home. I purposely brought only paper and pencils - oops I think I said that a couple of days ago. As luck would have it there is a legacy ppeecee laptop here that I can't quite get my head around. The only reasonable way to fix is zero out disk and start again - like survivors do.

Venus the evening star is still bugging me.

the bird sounds here are incredible.

I think I have enough present moments left to last me the rest of my life.

one of the biggest questions for human beings today: where is intimacy? Without it we are sullen robots. With it? dunno, have not had the pleasure.

I'm alone, but I'm not alone alone if you know what I mean. Some of us might be.

Monday, May 24, 2004

Sunday,took the day off, drew insane doodles. Got the diamond approach from library. Sample:

"for some of us, the longing feels like an ache or a sadness just below the surface of our usual awareness and concerns, a background so common we fail to take notice. For others of us it may feel like a gripping desire to gain and hold on to these qualities, an intense drive in which we set our sights on some distant spiritual paradise. Still others of us may adapt a frustrated resignation in which we devalue these qualities as an impossible or even undesirable fiction...

when we are cut off from our natural strength, our energy and passion are less available. The sense of expansive vitality escapes us, and we feel weak. To make up for this, we push too hard or strain to capture that passion. We try to convince the world that we are not as weak as we feel. Bitterness or hostility flavors our relationships."

been said a million times I guess but that last bit reminds me all too vividly of the strong take charge woman I knew who was a weak and needy rejected little girl. And myself of course.

Saturday, May 22, 2004

Standing in the Prescott library checking email. Quiet peaceful visit so far. My sister and husband got back from Italy last nite. Still fooling with getting dad online.

for entertainment this visit I only brought sketchbook and pencil - well I did sneak a repedigraph in also - I am going to learn how to draw - again.

I have been pondering the emotional mess I left in aville. When to be silent and when to be real is a lifelong learning curve for me. Sometimes anger is justified and necessary, but I sure hate the aftertaste. "be real - or forget about it."

one way to express your "real" self without impinging on others, of course, is to write. I do have a piece in mind that I am thinking of writing, it's creeping up on me and I guess I'll do it, but I have to admit I resent the time it takes to put down all those words. So I'll do it like I do these pages, off the top of my head.

Friday, May 21, 2004

far from home. i'm beginning to think the altitude is slowing me down - mile high - because i got zip for energy. couldn't sleep last night so went outside around midnight. jupitor was very bright and seemed to be staring at me.

continue to tweak laptop for dad. can log on to AOL. unbelievably ugly and prediction: it will metamorph into some kind of simple portal only soon.

i can't yet log on to MSN which is what i want to do.

seen a lot of CNN lately. news. it all sucks. so far i have only noticed one person who actually "said" anything. i am using the word "said" in obsolete sense, one that involves soul, not just lips.

but at the moment can't remember who it was.

Thursday, May 20, 2004

man,am i whacked out. in addition to jet lag, and generalized meloncholy, i have been working all day w/ windoze ME and AOL. totally bogus, both.
been thinking a lot about who i am talking to. very very few. "heart-to-heart" is the cliche. from the alone to the alone is what plotinus said. and here's what i found this morning scribbled in a notebook:
""i can be separate from you because at a deeper level we are joined in something inseparable. i cannot be alone alone." from breakfast at victory by carse.

Monday, May 17, 2004

Been talking to a good friend this morning about "backbiting".

I may have backed into this mode inadvertently the last couple of weeks, mainly by ruminating on some of the experiences I have been through lately. Maybe I'm naive. I handed my heart over to someone who lied to me repeatedly and when I finally came to I was really pissed at both her and myself.

but I have absolutely no desire to charactorize her or judge her, I wish her well, and have to thank her once again for the wake up call she delivered to me by her actions if not intent.

I wish us all the best. It matters.

ate lunch with yougest son nathan. his common sense and native feeling is seeing him through. he recently washed his hands of a lady who went from being a bautiful saint like woman to methadone, and lost her nurses license and son in the process. he is less naive than i, quicker tosee the futility of being used by a person in that zombie like unfortunate state.

went for a visit to jim's ranch. what a relief to talkwith someone who knows you. we grew up together, i,m not sure there is any other way. the lone wolves i have run across lately are highly overated by themselves.

it takes two to tango, two to talk, two to love, and one to make a problem ouy of a problem.

i'm past rage. any raised voice you here from me is nothing.

Sunday, May 16, 2004

what is a sociopath anyway? would you know one if you knew one?
go here to see list of ten traits.

Friday, May 14, 2004


i'll be in deep seclusion for awhile. leave you with this image which is not a pretty picture. it is out of my head, not in it anymore.

Thursday, May 13, 2004


Yesterday was a blast from the past.

as some of you may not know, this business of daily posting is a self imposed discipline. I post a little of this, a little of that. I make it up as I go. Do not take anything I write literally. It's all metaphor.

Lately these posts have become a little more personal as I have struggled to extricate myself from a very unhealthy relationship with a lady I thought I knew and whom I trusted all the way.

being a guy whose mind never stops churning, I have gradually over the last year been shifting my attention away from the mental thought-stream to intuition, instinct, the hara, heart, or whatever you might want to call it.

and this is what told me to break off the relationship. I had no facts to indicate she was compulsively unfaithful. No one told me this. It was just an inner voice that told me to "get out anyway you can". even though I was still in love with her. I have learned to trust that voice and follow it; the results are often not what I had in "mind" but that's ok.

So yesterday I got a call from the lady in question. She said she had been to the doctor and had something important to tell me(!). I asked her to do so, but she insisted it had to be face to face. I agreed to meet her in 30 minutes at her house. my mistake. She didn't show. I left a few unanswered phone messages. This is her standard mode of treating people.

I drove over around three for the second time, knocked on the door and opened it to be greeted by her coming down the stairs shouting indignantly at me to knock on the door which I had just finished doing.

Turns out what she had to tell me was the result of a "miscommunication". Apparently someone had told her I had written on this site that she was "diseased". The doctor thing was a trick.

I think we agreed that sociopathic is what I had meant to say, and it was not about her anyway. Just me and my inner life. After telling her why I thought this was a not unreasonable description of how i had been treated bt her, no need to go into details here, there was no denial, just that I must have been talking to "somebody" whose credibility is zero in this town. Now anyone who has told me anything about her she knows about. I have no additional information about her. Just a very bad feeling.

Then she closed the door and said "it doesn't matter". probably the most sincere statement I ever heard from her.

so folks, those of you who are interested in this imaginary melodrama, just remember: nobody told me nothing; nobody had to; when I split with miss multiplex, I knew nothing about her except what she allowed me to see.

That was enough for me to leave - I don't know the details, don't want to know them. My heart tells all I need to know. i'd been used, abused, and confused.

As always, what I am writing here is my experience and feelings. I could of course be totally wrong. She may be the most honest, sincere, compassionate person on the planet. The best friend a body could have. My perceptions might be skewed. Probably are. You make up your own mind.

I have long since forgiven her for being her, and myself for being me.

And I refuse to use this platform to judge her. That is not up to me. I don't know her. Don't want to know her. Don't want anything to do with her world. It may be a delightful place, but I don't like it.

End of story.

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Spent yesterday inside, finishing book proof to send to Jeff in myrtle beach, gathering together stuff to take on trip. My old friend bobby D. Will be house sitting with his cat. By end of today I should be already ready.

PBS news with Jim Leher last nite had segment featuring psychologists and other experts opining on
why good kids join army and become bad prison guards. Key question: why were they smiling and beaming when photographed
in sadistic miasma?

I don't know, but it strikes me that we are products of sadistic culture. Jobs and livelihood are fear driven, almost universally. Implicit message is do it or die.

and then there is the sexual pressure on the young, especially the young women. unlike when I was young, many of the women of today accept the role of sexual being, unfortunately all too often taking it over the line to
anything for an orgasm. "what's love got to do with it?"

the thread that broke my infatuation with sociopath Mona was when she sat on her couch lying to me. Her smile gave her away, the smile of a little girl filled with glee to be putting something over on me. Still in love with her, that evil smile woke me up, busted any trust I had in her, and I had to get as far away from her as I could.

there are a lot of different smiles.

Tuesday, May 11, 2004


tuesday morning. saw an Israeli lady speak at Jewish community center last night. she is working on her own to promote peace with both cultures. beautiful presence, lifted my spirits considerably. i love her definition of peace:

"peace is when i look in your eyes and see myself reflected." not the opaque quality i have experienced recently.

i notice that posts are now displayed in proper sequence.

Monday, May 10, 2004

dot dot dot duh dot

blogger has relaunched and the most recent post now appears on the bottom instead of top. i'll fix as soon as i can.

Sunday, May 9, 2004


picture from citizen-times. that's my outside inside the circle.

ways to go before i can send book pdf to myrtle beach. it's going in the morning.

a lot of folks i see seem to be more and more emotional about the fix "people" are in today. the invisible culture cage is starting to show, snapping of synapse, subtle bodies compressing, all auras bent.

Saturday, May 8, 2004

beautiful day, now threatening thunderstorms. last night i went downtown and stood in the square with the ladies in black for an hour. they have been doing this since the warped war began. the air was very crisp, the wind blowing, and the echos of the traffic bouncing off the high rises all made it feel like some timeless place. i made the papers in today's offering, photo of prayer for peace gathering i'm in there somewhere. wondered down to civic center, great latin band from richmond playing, beautiful crowd, good food, little kids dancing. then i sat for an hour or so in the drum circle happening in the square. body music, total immersion, tourists gathering round and breaking into dance.

aville is definitely either the paris of the south or the sedona of the east. i'm ready to enjoy it.

perhaps because of the van gogh stars shining empty space i was released from the spell that has been pulling at me these last few weeks. the ghost of the spanish harlem mona lisa finally faded into fact. some of the girls who dated ted bundy must have felt like i do. i was conned, but by one of the best. totally sociopathic dissociated persona, a broken preditor who gives nihilism a bad name. how unbelievable, sad and unecessary.

Friday, May 7, 2004



i'm feelin mighty empty
like when the clouds they blow away
the woman just walked out
she had nothin more to say

i knew her but i didn't
that was just her way
i bought it all, the good and bad
the nightmare and the day

i thought when we were naked
no need to hide from her
we weren't strangers when we met
but when she left we were

her gift to me was magic
a reflection in the sun
a mirror blazing in my face
what else could i have done?

helplessness is part of life
a part of strength also
twisted by an evil child
i knew i had to go

honesty demands a price
it must have a voice
like a hungry ghost
she thinks she has a choice

dark desert queen
thrills still pull you on
to the distant wreckage
i guess you call your song

Thursday, May 6, 2004


this is page from my notebook. what do you suppose it means?

Tuesday, May 4, 2004

Black Mountain College Museum&Arts Center:

Isn't it interesting that the muddle of one's personal search turns into human history for others! Doesn�t it feel substantial that what we choose to do individually makes a supportive fabric for others in due course. The interweavings of time past, present, and future-the interweavings of personal imagination and community endeavor-this spiritual cloth, this gold of our life-looms is being woven whether we sleep or wake, a garment we are making for each other and the planet. Or so it seems. Though it be beaten thin by the impact of experiences, still the gold of our lives keeps its nature even when worn through, even when dust, gold dust.

Monday, May 3, 2004

pretty much lost yesterday. gloomy.

found in today's email:

"Art does not reproduce the visible, it makes visible," Klee wrote..."

apropos of nothing, i want to produce 12 postcards or notecards and place them around town for sale. below is the first of 12:


Sunday, May 2, 2004

heard at the asheville friend's meeting this morning:

"80% of love is showing up."

i might have put it:

"80% of love is showing up anyway."

Saturday, May 1, 2004

yesterday was an unusual day. i spent the afternoon dealing with the health dept., archetypal state civil service, endless ugly green corridors, employees sleepwalking here and there with paperwork in hand, endless waiting in hard chairs.

but the occasional bodhisattva would appear, fully human and cheerful, to inject a little humor and perspective into this setting.

then last evening dinner for 45th high school reunion. six of us showed up for very elegant and pleasant time. the ambience was southern aristocratic living at it's best. an atmosphere i do not experience often these days.

you might think that visiting these two separate worlds in a single day would be confusing. but at this point in my life it was like any other day, each minute a mysterious surprise.

when i got home my trusty g4 would not boot up, system wouldn't load. i fixed it this morning - i hope. thank you disk warrior.