Friday, April 30, 2004


i did the above a couple of weeks ago probably. just scanned it and printed it out on r300: really beautiful print i think.

yesterday was a busy one. talked to jeff and nan, and worked most of the day on the new life, the book we are all working on for ultimate publication. last nite went to the benefit premier of M.C. Richards: The Fire Within, excellent documentry of a woman i was unfamiliar with. mostly filmed when she was older. if i ever want to know what i think is true about the imagination, creativity, the kosmos, and what conciousness is for, i only have to see this movie again: she says it all.

Movie Review: M.C. Richards: The Fire Within / Mountain Xpress / Asheville, NC: "M.C. Richards: The Fire Within"

to see a few things flash is capable of, go here:
[ uncontrol ]

here is interesting piece on the human being, science, reality with capital "R", etc:

Presence of Mind - The (Scientific) Pursuit of Happiness: "New evidence shows that as the brain can change its mind, so can the mind change the brain."

tonight i go to high school reunion. 45th i think.

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

from an oil i did awhile back:


after 5 in the afternoon. pretty soon i can watch the snews.

bought a ticket last nite to phoenix, round trip, dates may 14 - june 3.

actually a busy day, dealing with doctors, the post office, the library.

just re-read the last 3 weeks postings. to see the shape that i was in. not too bad.

but i do have a dilemma . has to do with silence and conversation. both are so very important.

but i suspect one of my failings in this life has been an inability to discriminate well between the times when each serves it's purpose. besides, it's pre-dispositional. a person doesn't think about it, whether to converse or not. one is either engaged or not.

this is not meant as self-castigation: i'm just checking the weather out. i'm livin in a new world. let the heart talk. and listen.

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

scattered frost warnings tonight. i guess i'll close the windows. finally made it to the grocery store. played with colored light.

you probably never read bill the galactic hero by harry harrison, a sci-fi tongue in cheek book of about 30 years ago. pretty good one too. it features a large group of people described as "the unplanned". these are folks who have fallen thru the cultural cracks of the hypothetical future and no longer possess official papers or a plan.

i find myself in a similar situation, but by the end of the day should belong to the "re-planned". my sister convinced me not to go camping while i'm on antibiotics for the respitory illness that's going around and which she says is bad to reoccur. i don't think i'm going to make it to myrtle beach mid-may. and i'm bumping up trip to arizona to around the same time.

spent yesterday printing color samples from epson r300, what a spiffy piece of hardware. using it, i think i can emulate pretty closely archival giclee prints on hevay matte or watercolor paper, not to mention postcards and notecards. so get ready summer tourists, they'll be in the shops.

Monday, April 26, 2004


monday around 5:00. what my sister used to call the "arsnic hour". visited doctor who gave me antibiotic for tail-end of galloping gozodiac, chest rattle, "it's going around". bobby c. from columbia moved in a u haul load of furniture and such. i met him at the southerndharma center seems like a hundred years ago.

did a little business downtown, like buying shoelaces at tops shoe store. light rain, the streets seemed empty.

i'm in a delimma as to what to notice here; what to write about. usually i let my fingers do the talking, and that's what i think i'll keep doing. reframe the mundane.


watercolor i finished yesterday. delayed birthday present for son-in-law doug. it's in the mail.

this morning early it was raining, nice gentle rain. i remeber a long time ago being told by somebody i can't exactly remember right now that rainy days were "spiritual". i guess they are or arn't, but most likely whichever share that quality with all other weather. maybe it is because if you were sitting in a dark cave - which in a way we all are - the weather would leave nothing to do except 1) sleep or 2) wake up.

meanwhile this blog is morphing from trenchant if mispelled commentary on the culture & politics into a personal journal of inner weather. which i'm not sure i like.

but you have to understand my methodology which over a period of time i have come to realize is unique to a lot of folks. i sit down and write with no thought. postcard from nowhere. and i can't or prefer not to edit, rewrite, etc just like i would not want to do if i recieved a letter from someone.

so it is what it is.

i'll most likely head out for the high country tomorrow and spend a few days hunting mushrooms, brooding, slow down. not sure where but i'll know when i get there.

Sunday, April 25, 2004

survived another sunday. so far. reminds me of a routine i heard on the radio today:

"have you lived your whole life here?"
"not yet."

i'm not bored, just a tad depressed. found scattered, which is mona's book and i'll send it to her in the a.m. reading it, it is interesting to note how the words motivation, interest, libido, hyperfocus and love can all be used, to a point, interchangably. and how the lack of interest or respect for the outside, the other, can be a desert of forgotten bones.

so i keep my eye on depression level by interest level. which is low right now, but bumping along. finished two long term projects today, working on two others.

talking to richard today about "creativity". my present take is that it does not function inside humans, humans function inside it. the lame and the blind, which we all are, do not feel this. which like all denial takes a lot of energy, if not all of it.

some of us get a taste of it now and then and god what a relief to deal with the real, or the realest that you can deal with. it's the only way out, and the only way in.

on the other hand, to just live the life of a persona, say a gangster's moll or a bank president, and nothing more is just waiting to die.

i've slowly been learning that jung's "active imagination", which i've always been curious about, is something that i have been doing for awhile, in my manner. it's nothing more than actively engaging the little people. respect them, talk to them, listen to them. treat them like they don't exist and they get pissed. i know the feeling myself, having been treated that way in the recent past.

ok i'm signing off. that line of mr. d's, "feel like talking to someone, but i don't know who".

Saturday, April 24, 2004

god it's only 2 in the afternoon. i feel like it's been weeks since i woke up, but good weeks: the air is clear, the inner winds are a breeze, some kind of sun is shining on me.


off to a reems creek wedding. i hope it's a humdinger.

{later} back. saw a few old friends, maybe some new ones.

ran into s. the taxi guy who didn't have much to say about our mutual friend mona. Attempting to talk of the real, albeit twisted, wrong, inadequate and bent must be taboo in some circles.

i don't understand these people, or maybe i do. mum's the word. you're out there, and i'm in here, all by myself. The heroic mode sometimes moves in pathological ways.

otherwise a nice spring evening, felt like summer, beautiful changing sky, lots of old folks, lots of young. and not a few zoot suits.

Friday, April 23, 2004


i made the above from a 20 year old cibachrome print i did before the earth was cool. busy day, low hanging clouds to the east. is numinosity enough? can you talk to the images in your head?

Thursday, April 22, 2004

been cleaning up all week, loose ends, unfinished business, lost items. i feel like i've been thru some natural disaster, like a flood or fire. or tornado actually. strolling thru the aftermath slowly, shaking my head now and then at the wreakage.

actually i'm making good progress and things - objects, moods, intentions - are already more comfortable. i'm outward bound, ready - i think - to re-engage the world of 10,000 things.

haven't mentioned the ken wilber study group that met tuesday evening. i really enjoyed it, the frothy edge is really splashing around, and none of us knows why we are meeting. but, as i think we all agree, why not? there is an unfolding taking place, each new minute is a mystery.

plan to go to photgraphic exhibit tonight to see what happens.

pay some bills today and wash the dishes and i'm almost caught up with that wispy, tantalizing, moist and misty always receding thing, life with a lower case "L".

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

tuesday morning. good nights sleep. here's my astrology tip for the week past:


godomighty i'll say.

to continue what is turning into a personal confession, i worked all day on forgiving the Spanish Harlem Mona Lisa, and myself, because i don't want to drag this anger around. it's not worth it.

ate lunch with richard and spent $50 on a technical manual for quark xpress 5 which i'm using to typeset the new life. somehow i can't get anchored picture boxes for the photos to work yet.

continued a watercolor i owe my son-in-law doug; this one may work. in general cleaning up loose ends because next week i'm out of here, it's the perfect time to head for the high country and camp out for a few days.

Monday, April 19, 2004

monday evening. quiet. light low. birds asleep. it's not dark yet, but it's gettin' there.

the weekend was a wowser. my lady friend, the Spanish Harlem Mona Lisa had been keeping me at arms length all week for no reason i was aware of.

saturday i walked to town and saw a movie, touching the void. absolutely beautiful high andes scenery. the narrative was grim survival,

sunday morning i went to the friends meeting at 10. it was held outside, in a quiet spell and space, cool wind, hot sun, birdsong, the quiet murmer of children at play. the best hour i've had in weeks. stayed until 2 with a group of maybe 20 to ponder some of the quaker ways of doing something.

came home and called the Spanish Harlem Mona Lisa who told me she was unavailable for visiting, no further details. this is a person i thought i was in a relationship with, a strange one, but a relationship nonetheless.

so i flipped, totally lost it, drove to her place where she was hiding, not answering locked doors or phone, hiding god knows what. my pretense was to give her back her assorted paraphernalia, and get mine, altho i could care less about it. i just wanted to confront her. it had to be done. somehow i got into the house and banged on her door. she slipped out, intent on one thing: getting me outside all locked doors. cool, collected, her expertise at running parallel lives showing.

i don't feel good at having to lose my temper to survive core deceit but as silly as it is, i guess that is what it is for. in full blown anger i said some things i meant, and somethings i didn't. i guess it doesn't matter when you're talking to a brick wall.

too much information here for you? that's too bad, i'm so sick of lying and denial i don't want to spread any more around. i'm venting here, angry, hurt and very disappointed.

Sunday, April 18, 2004


picture i did the other day. at the moment i can't remember how i did it. probably started off as watercolor, graded into oil pastels, and finished with photoshop.

i've been doing a lot of mountains lately. yesterday saw touching the void, mountain climbing movie with grim story but what beauty.

every since i can remember i have been fascinated with mountain climbing and polar expedition narratives. what does that say about me?

ran across the following quote yesterday:

"for rumi the appearance of formal beauty comes as a natural response to being spoken to. the rose opens because it has heard something. the cypress grows strong and straight because a love-secret is being whispered. elegance in language arrives in response. . .

"i have a friend who, when she wants to know who i am seeing, who i am in love with, asks, who am i talking to? the exchange of deep friendship makes a fine entrence into love and trust, into the mysterious action that moves through the eyes, the voice, the heart."
colman barks.

Thursday, April 15, 2004

early spring. mud season.

woke up yesterday with a heavy duty head cold. boxes and boxes of kleenix. out of the blue. sometime during the night a switch was flipped. i don't get colds or flu much. so i am declaring the next 2 or 3 days stay in bed days, try to shake it. maybe even clean the house.

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

another postcard from nowhere. been spending a lot of time there lately.

yesterday was another stay at home day, altho did run a few errends, the most important being getting truck license renewed. now to get it inspected and i'm good for a year, or at least truck is.

today is another gloomy rainy day. good day to spend in bed. i think of this kind of day as "billy holiday" weather, gloomy sunday has been running through my mind non-stop.

i had a strange experience yesterday. lay down for respite around 5. npr playing very quietly in background. at 6 they began a program about the meaning of passover and easter. i got up and turned TV on, pbs news w/ jim mclarer or whatever his name is.

as sometimes happens, i was most likely hypoglycemic, still in hypnogogic state, lord knows what else. anyway the tv and radio played together and both seemed to meld into the same meaning, which had someting to do with what reality is really, and it wasn't what we take it for every day.

well it's just another psuedo-memory now, along with a lot of others.

Monday, April 12, 2004

one of those days yesterday when i never took a step outdoors. there are a few too many objects hidden in the house somewhere i can't seem to find, so i have backed into what you might call "spring kleening". my biggest find so far is a pair of blue jeans, near new. no easter eggs.

this morning it's gray and misty out, had to turn heat on last nite. so i guess i'll stay put another day or two. working on "new life" book every day, trying to get it to a point where it is presentable before the month is over.

watched a bit of the sunday news shows. all concerned are speaking a stylized lost language i can only get pieces of meaning from.

except for somone on the moyers show, in fact two someones: kevin philips was one, jon anderson of the new yorker the other. the democrats should pay to have these two interviews broadcast everyday until the election.

Saturday, April 10, 2004

interesting movie out there somewhere:Quantum Physics, Brain Science and Spirituality in the Movies.

saw mr dylan and band last nite:

Asheville, North Carolina
The Orange Peel
April 9, 2004

1. To Be Alone With You
2. It's All Over Now, Baby Blue
*3. Unbelievable
4. Make You Feel My Love
* 5. Most Likely You Go Your Way and I'll Go Mine
* 6. Can't Wait
7. If Not for You
* 8. Cold Irons Bound
* 9. If Dogs Run Free
10. Highway 61 Revisited
*11. Not Dark Yet
12. Honest With Me
13. I Believe In You
*14. Summer Days
15. Cat's In the Well
16. Like a Rolling Stone
**17. All Along the Watchtower

small venue, 900 people i guess. i stayed in back where i could lean against the rail. great sound from that location. i guess it's pretty much agreed at this point that this ain't no nostalgia act. the starred songs were magnificent.

there was something sweet and enduring about hearing these songs at this point in time. the band, including bob on keyboards, was rock- (so to speak) solid. his delivery was crystal clear, confident, playful. he used his present voice to great advantage, mixed perfectly. there was something elegaic about the whole evening. it's not dark yet...

total communication and respect between the musicains and the audience, a venacular understood by all having to do with the experience of humans living today. what a relief and rest to be in a crowd of people so receptive and uncynical in these times. an oasis. don't miss this tour.

Friday, April 9, 2004


i couldn't resist extracting this picture from movie some of you high bandwidth folks might want to take a look at ( music by j. lennon. thanks for the link tucker.

me, i'm still trying to figure out how to change the time to daylight savings time on my watch. my wristwatch.

watched the news last nite for the first time in awhile. dismal. but predictable.

going to see bob dylan tonight in a small venue. i dread the hourlong wait in line, and there are no rocking chairs for geezers like myself. but hey, no pain no gain.

Thursday, April 8, 2004

couple of restless nights. visit to doc's yesterday to check burnt hand, he did some minor clean-up, seems to be healing ok. just woke up from a nap, first one in a long time.

home is chaotic, rampant entropy, too many objects misplaced or otherwise among the missing.

finished reading cosmopolis by delillio. spooky. kept running into sentences that were... well, odd but timely, remote, icy, but somehow personal.

bought a hammer today.

heard the most horrifying reportage on shortwave last night on child soldiers in sudan or somewhere. then dreamlike report on diabetes from some christian outfit broadcasting from the west.

good idea: know your enemy, know where you are, know your assumptions are assumptions.

Tuesday, April 6, 2004


above is a photo i took - i think - of my sister jane & dad in arizona. jane is getting her feet wet in the cyber world using aol as so many of us have, and was unable to download photo i sent to her yesterday.

i worked long and hard yesterday on too many projects. starting to have great fun with flash, in many ways it reminds me of photoshop: elegant, deep, robust and just very well constructed. about ready to start dropping photos into "new life" book i am typesetting. got truck ready for inspection. semi-finished repairing some floor damage caused by great refrigerator debacle. some computer routine maintenance,

but most exciting was, due to slight skew in medication, i had dreams last night. been a long time since i was aware of any. i think the full moon helped.

Monday, April 5, 2004

beautiful day yesterday. worked on odds and ends of maintainence in the morning and walked to town at 12:30. (wait - i just remembered that this was saturday). saw a 1:00 movie matinee, the fog of war, a documentary consisting of robert macnamara, age 85, looking directly into the camera, closeup, dark background, talking, intercut with news and tv footage. veeery slow, i almost dozed off, but liked the movie. it was more personal than political - there is a difference - and i think we could all star in a vehicle such as this if we make it to old age. there are things to say, and you won't find them in written text.

on the way home saw the bumper sticker of the day:

I Heard I was Back in Town

spent the rest of the weekend with jill, visiting ancient languid limbic lakes, the sun that always shines, the far lands that just are.

this morning up at 5 working furiously on bhau's book and flash course.

what about the news?

haven't heard any, but did enjoy carlos santana superstition cd.

Saturday, April 3, 2004


pencil drawing done at southern dharma center.

today is the 2nd annerversry of my mother's death. i think it is 2 years. in about 2 hours there will be a blessing in phoenix at the casa, and i will be there in spirit. she was a true human during her time on this earth who continued to learn and grow, as i hope we all do. she is missed by those of us whose life she continues to be a part of.

Friday, April 2, 2004


another postcard from nowhere.

today is cleanup day, or to put it another way, the day to rearrange the wreckage left by the refrigerator that came in from the cold. chaos in the kitchen. more later.

Thursday, April 1, 2004


another pencil drawing i did at southern dharma center last weekend.

my refrigerator finally gave up the ghost while i was gone. my landlady, who i get along with fine even though it is probably fair to say she is one of those appalachian eccentrics who has never left the mountains, came up with a solution which involved me and my friend bill o. shuffling refrigerator from upstairs to my kitchen downstairs. we ended up sliding it down a wet grassy hill among other things. there is now wet grass and dirt all over discombobulated living room so i will be in regroup mode for awhile.

got a call from mimi who has been on the road for a month i guess. next week she will take a look at site i have up for her, and then i'll tweak away to make it suitable for her. also dropping pictures into quark layout for bhau's book, which i need to get to some presentable point before early may, orders from the DA.

all this with a badly burned right hand which seems to be healing ok. this afternoon a visit to the dentist to have crown inserted. then i might go to bed for a couple of days.