Monday, June 30, 2003

thanks to tharpa for this information. i wonder if the guy they are studying watches tv:
"NASA to study man who survives on liquids and sunlight"

Sunday, June 29, 2003


another big (40k) cyber-doodle. lately i feel like i'm just messin around, not accomplishing much. which is probably true.

the best part of waking up is taking a walk which i am gonna do...right now.

Friday, June 27, 2003

happy birthday eric and nicole

today is the birthday of my two oldest children, eric and nicole. i am very proud of them and the way they are navigating through this life, aka "vail of tears".

on another subject entirely (?), i found this quote yesterday which, as is said, "speaks" to me:

"any faith with the idea of truth behind it is better than no faith at all. it is better to walk the wrong road and return to the right way than not to walk at all. what matters spiritually is faith. when faith becomes love than there is no need for faith any longer."

Meher Baba

Tuesday, June 24, 2003


oops. a trifle big. still only 20 something k . just wanted to see how fast i could drag a rabbit out of a hat. (5 minutes).

i don't know why but i'm having a perfectly wonderful day. got a nice walk in this morning. played with flash a bit, i'll be learning it in bits and drabs (drabs?) so watch out. paid a bunch of bills, never an easy thing for me to focus on. ordered insulin pump supplies. worked on 2 oil paintings, just having fun on these, i don't think either are gonna work. and mixed down an mp3 that totally stressed the old mac out. results questionable so i'll strip it down a little and redo tommorow.

haven't talked to a human all day. in wilberese i'm hyper-agentic. but not very communal.

when i was exiled to phoenix i used to get upset because there was no "outside", a comfortable place always available. now i'm totally - but not i hope permanently - adjusted to living in a pod by myself because i want to do so much.

Monday, June 23, 2003

new documentary out:
The Gospel According to Philip K. Dick - A Filmmaker's Journal
looks very interesting, i'll see if it is for rent anywhere.

Sunday, June 22, 2003

trying to remember what i did saturday... oh yes, it was an out and about day. bought electric paraphanalia to try and unclutter painting micro-space lighting system. pharmacy for a bunch of medicine, quite costly, but bush told me he would help out. swung by steve b.'s house and we spent a little while trying to figure out how to siphen the contents of 3 55 gallon barrels of no. 2 heating oil into his tank. i've been scanning in watercolor landscapes, goal is they end up giclee miniatures on some kind of notecard. it will take a little time the first time to get the files ready.
also trying to get a fix on how to get the cleanest audio recording from a bunch of mike's and adapters. i keep forgetting how i did it. today i skipped friend's meeting and painted all day, then went to steve and ira's for a potluck at six. ira wasn't there. come back ira! pleasant hours in a pleasant space. conversation: silence and manifistation.

Saturday, June 21, 2003

yesterday i had sort of a free day with a 1:15 appt to neurologist sandwiched in. cleaned up the computer and the house, jump started oil painting again. i'm still at the try everything see what works stage. so far in my life i've started 5, and want to more or less finish one.

got together with the old folks who didn't used to be last evening. very pleasant couple of hours and some great bar-b-q and flat beans. talked about rotweiller pups and narrative flow.

i tried to explain how "the narrative" was not my strong suit at this point of my life; don't much read novels anymore, and when i do often don't finish them. haven't put a movie in VCR for a few years, and only seen 3 movies in the 5 or so years i've lived here. as my old ladyfriend michele used to say when we lived in AZ, every time we watched a movie, within the first 20 minutes or so i would wonder off. reading a novel for me is like reading a series of paragraphs that don't always have a lot to do with each other.

could it be that this is because by the time i'm on page 100 page 10 is lost in the dust? ie can't remember too well how i got there? maybe this sheds some light on this development:

"much snow is falling, winds roar hollowly,
the owl hoots from the elder,
fear in your heart cries to the loving-cup:
sorrow to sorrow as the sparks fly upward,
the log groans and confesses:
there is one story and one story only."

-robert graves, "to juan at the winter solstice"

Thursday, June 19, 2003

Nice visit to hendersonville yesterday, walk in light rain with bill o. around carl sandburg's place in flat rock. very lush northwestern feel, maybe because of the rain which only ended today. visited his bro-in-law fred, beautiful mountain spread, goats, garden. helping me on my latest mission, relaxing. as bill quoted from somebody, "it's better to do nothing than do something wrong." doug b. dropped by this morning, may or may not be on the way back down the mountain. i'm about ready to edit and delete the blog archives which is not real easy but needs to be done. that and clean the kitchen.

Wednesday, June 18, 2003

jane's tree

colored pencil done in my sister's backyard awhile back. just making sure all is as it should be in my slice of cyberspace and it displays in browser's of my vast number of fans.

driving to hendersonville in 30 minutes to visit my old friend bill o. we pushed the envelope a bit a quarter of a century ago. i've never been to hville.

of course today we both are perfectly sane, settled, and older. not in that order.

haven't been able to post since sunday i think. i believe a stray muon zapped something somewhere within i did manage to finally get tueusday's post up. what i did was delete post from blogger that never showed up in browser, paste it back into post window in blogger, and publish. but after that one instance nothing i did would show in browser.

this morning it seems to be working again. now maybe i can do something useful like vacuum my domestic module.

more and more i think you've got to be twisted to plunge into the meta-vortex of digital anything. fortunately i guess i qualify.

Tuesday, June 17, 2003

can't complain today. i woke up. got out of bed. dragged a comb across my head. did not go out and have a smoke.

"Beware the leader who bangs the drums of war in order to whip the citizenry into a patriotic
fervor, for patriotism is indeed a double-edged sword. It both emboldens the blood, just as it narrows the mind. And when the drums of war have reached a fever pitch and the blood boils with hate and the mind has closed, the leader will have no need in seizing the rights of the citizenry. Rather, the citizenry, infused with fear and blinded by patriotism, will offer up all of their rights unto the leader and gladly so. How do I know? For this is what I have done.
And I am Caesar."
Julius Caesar
from Home

Saturday, June 14, 2003

just finished 12 hour marathon in front of computer. was it worth it? no. killed a lot of time though. and did manage to finish two projects that have been hanging around.

i find i am getting very interested in doing nothing but with a clear head, not zombieville, just "easy does it".

"easy do" as bill burroughs said.

a front porch would be nice. staring at a wall, laying in the grass, whatever. this feverish frenzy has got to go, creative or not. somewhere bouncing around in the gridlock in my head there is a dim memory of long endless summers, copper colored air around me, inside a green glow, lost in the kadzoo. what happened? where'd it go? and who was that child anyway?

Friday, June 13, 2003

the worst i've felt in a loooong time. nothing specific. like i'm drugged - slow motion - zero energy. very short periods when i feel sort of alive. must be coming down with a case of terminal terror, ancient angst, solitary ambiguity. once in awhile i sleep. most of the time i stumble around in a fuzzy daze.

why am i telling you this? cause i've got nothing to say. i've seen two doctors this week and they didn't have much to say either.

found on a piece of paper in the living room:

squeeked through again
but i don't know where i'm going
up on the mountain top
where the wind was blowing
i left a beat up chevy
way out in the park
walked through an icestorm
man it was real dark
when i got back to town
it almost wasn't there
but neither was i
so i almost didn't care
the children were roaming
up and down the street
i sat there in a stupor
it all smelled like meat

see what i mean?

Thursday, June 12, 2003

what the hell
What Have We Here

took an hour's walk last evening, if the weather would stay like it is now (like aville was 30 years ago in the summer) i might get healthy.

as it is i got up at 5, tested my blood sugar in preperation for nice cool walk, and it was 450 plus. infusion set had torn out during a very restless and sleepless night.

so i redid the whole do and spent the next hour or less on the phone long-distance to jeff who fed me corrections to book i am typesetting for him. exercise of any sort is contra-indicated when blood glucose is over 200-250.

it will be a long slow day, blood sugar dropping bit by bit. then i can eat breakfast. i'll spend the day trying to make sense of ken wilber graphics i am doing.

Wednesday, June 11, 2003

a pretty damn bad week - so far:

maybe something to do with what mr. eliot was talking about in "four quartets":

"a condition of complete simplicity costing not less than everything."

a mantra of my youth was

"if it's not one thing it's another."

now i think it's

"if it's not one thing it's everything."

this is along the lines of the rule:

1 + 1 = 2 + 1

Monday, June 9, 2003

damien aycock, son of travis and ludie, had a car wreck coming home from work friday night and is in intensive care at UNC hospital. neckl and skull fractures. his spinal cord seems to be all right. the way a break like he has is usually treated is a box like affair around the neck attached by screws to the skull to prevent head movement, but the skull is fractured and not stable. hospital team meets today for treatment plan. basically he is very lucky, no nerve damage. get well damien.

meanwhile james in oak ridge is failing fast. i saw him wed and thursday and am so glad i made the effort.. we have some sort of very unusual karmic connection i think. pancreatic and liver cancer.

[later] james passed away at 7 am this morning.

Sunday, June 8, 2003

could be one of these....


Saturday, June 7, 2003

maybe not

maybe not

Thursday, June 5, 2003




Tuesday, June 3, 2003

glory be

Lily by the Footbridge

Sunday, June 1, 2003

the weather here has been so beautiful. a long cool wet foggy misty spring, cool air blowing through the window at night. this is western carolina as i remember it from 30 years ago.

made it to friends meeting today and re-met the father of an old friend of mine, same 30 years ago as above.

it looks like aug 2 - august 23 i will be in arizona.

i talked to dave, jame's brother today on the telephone. after consultation with oncologist last week decision was not a good candidate fo chemo. he enters hospice program, ie no medical treatment except pallitive on monday. i'm hoping to drive to oak ridge wednesday to say good bye, return the next day.